I’m realizing more and more that so much of what I stress about, the worrying I do almost daily, comes back to having such uncertainty about what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Not just career-wise, but in general. I literally just deleted what I was going to write because I realized how wrong it was – “Super generically, I know I’m supposed to spend it loving God and doing His will.” Super generically. Like all of that “stuff” can get lumped into the background purpose of my life that sets the stage for the real drama. Like I don’t need to spend time contemplating, working towards, and agonizing over how to live my life like that. Nah, that’s the easy part. It’s the career, relationships, and “specifics” of my life that are hard. How flawed is my thinking?!
The real drama, the real plot, the real story of my life is not mine.
I don’t want it to be. If all my life amounts to is a carefully crafted storyline of picking the right school, making the right career choices, and never straying from the perfect path I think I need, than it will have been nothing.
It’s the “super generic” stuff that’s the absolute hardest. I can’t do it without divine intervention. It’s not about me at all. I want the most important, all-encompassing part of my life to not be about me. Because the silly things I care about after that “super generic” part have no eternal significance. That “super generic” part is the ONLY part that is everlasting.
I’ve gotten used to saying- “I have no idea what I want to do with my life.” But that’s not even a little bit true. I have no idea what career path I want to follow, what my educational or occupational situation will be in a couple years, or how much the things I love now will influence those choices. No idea. But I definitely have an idea of what I want to do with my life. I want to use it for one singular purpose: to glorify the Lord that saved my soul.
Unfortunately, I have no idea how that purpose will manifest itself in all of the human-made constructs that we like to pretend determine our lives. But I have this wonderful knowledge that it doesn’t matter. That no matter what my occupation, my vocation will not change. I was not made to recklessly search through life for the single path God chose for me and hope that I pick the right door. I was made to experience a radical freedom. A freedom of knowing that I don’t have to have it all figured out. A freedom of trusting in Someone so much bigger than I can begin to comprehend. A freedom that transcends careers, human expectations, and worldly criteria of success.
Praise the Lord.